<p>*  Home</p>
<p>*  Photos</p>
<p>*  Interviews</p>
<p>*  Videos</p>
<p>*  Reviews</p>
<p>*  Giveaways</p>
<p>*  Jobs</p>

<p>The Apiary</p>
<p>Comedy and Beyond  *  Home</p>
<p>*  Photos</p>
<p>*  Interviews</p>
<p>*  Videos</p>
<p>*  Reviews</p>
<p>*  Giveaways</p>
<p>*  Jobs</p>

<p>Top  *  Home</p>
<p>*  Photos</p>
<p>*  Interviews</p>
<p>*  Videos</p>
<p>*  Reviews</p>
<p>*  Giveaways</p>
<p>*  Jobs</p>

<p>Advertisement</p>
<p>Advertise on the NYC BlogAds Network.</p>

<p>Contact theapiary@gmail.com</p>

<p>About  *  About Us</p>

<p>Meta Syndicate this site (XML)</p>

<p>Archives</p>

<p>Site built and designed by Bathrobewarrior.com</p>

<p>Logo designed by Tim Bierbaum</p>

<p>Total Nonstop News  * Darrell Hammond Fresh Airs It Out | NPR</p>
<p>* Seth Herzog Trapped! In an Elevator | NYMag</p>
<p>* New Album From Andre du Bouchet | iTunes</p>
<p>* The 2011 New York Musical Improv Festival - November 1st - 6th</p>
<p>* 2011 Friars Club Comedy Film Festival Runs October 12th - 16th</p>

<p>More Search Video of the Day Eleven Heads on 11/11 | Koren Ensemble</p>
<p>Fanatical About</p>

<p>« Keith Huang's Bachelor Recipes #1 | Main| Al Gore’s Online Dating Profile » Thursday Jun 03 2010  Essays From Crazy People: The Next Words Out of Your Mouth Better Be ‘I Will Sell You 300 Credenzas’</p>
<p>Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 12:13PM By: RJ Fried</p>

<p>W ait a minute. I just realized the reason you refuse to sell me three hundred credenzas: I don’t have any money. Now it all makes perfect sense! To think: a moneyless man attempting a purchase. I must appear like such a fool! Oh wait – what’s in these sacks here? It’s glorious money. And a sufficient amount. Hooray!</p>

<p>But wait – the successful installation of three hundred credenzas into my place of residence hinges on more than just currency. It also requires the means to transport the credenzas. Dearest me – I’ve forgotten the transaction’s second and perhaps equally important part. All is lost! The ownership of the credenzas has been thrust back into the balance! Unless… wait… I just remembered that I rented those thirty huge moving trucks parked outside. I’ve nullified the last reason to sell me three hundred credenzas. Yippee!</p>

<p>Now why the hell won’t you sell me three hundred credenzas?</p>

<p>If you must know why I’d like to purchase them, here it is: I’m hosting some distinguished guests for an upcoming event and decorum demands some surfaces for the dessert trays. That’s not true, but if we accepted that imaginary scenario as real, then would you find it fit to complete the transaction? Must I carelessly kick holes in the fence between fact and fiction just so that I may own three hundred credenzas? They’re wooden buffet tables with drawers, you sick sonuvabitch! Not a reason to tear down our universal understanding of Truth.</p>

<p>Personally, I don’t believe that you "don't have three hundred credenzas in stock, but would happily order them on my behalf." This is a furniture store. All you sell is furniture.If I was requesting, say, three hundred luxury sedans, I would understand such a reaction: "Would love to help you, sir, but this establishment is a furniture store through and through. Perhaps the car dealership across the street might fulfill your needs." Reply: "Thank you for your help, sir. This fine outfit will come to mind next time I’m in the market for furniture – credenzas perhaps."</p>

<p>Wait, I've got it! The problem must be that I only want to purchase three hundred and that’s not enough for a furniture store of such high regard. If propagating the myth that a change of heart inspires me to purchase four hundred credenzas makes three hundred credenzas 'magically' appear, then please wait while I remove my shoes and plunge bottom first into that sea of liars that I so profoundly dread. I just wish I could see the flummoxed look on your face when you discover your loading dock hidden beneath one hundred abandoned credenzas. If I possessed an artist's skill, paint it and hang it upon my mantle, I most surely would!</p>

<p>RJ Fried is co-creator/writer for Popzilla (MTV), contributing writer for Onion Sports Network (Comedy Central), a contributing writer for Huffington Post-Comedy, and a UCB-NY writing instructor.</p>

<p>The Apiary | Post a Comment tagged EFCP , RJ Fried in Humor Reader Comments</p>
<p>There are no comments for this journal entry. To create a new comment, use the form below. Post a New Comment</p>
<p>Enter your information below to add a new comment.</p>

<p>My response is on my own website » Author:(forget stored information) Author Email (optional): Author URL (optional): Post: ↓ | ↑ Some HTML allowed: >  Notify me of follow-up comments via email.</p>

<p>Link an External Response</p>
<p>Have a response on your own site? You can either use the [Trackback URL] for this entry, or link to your response directly.</p>

<p>I want to leave a comment directly on this site » Article Title: Article URL: Article Excerpt (optional): Site Name: Site URL (optional): Author Name: Copyright © 2011, [theapiary.org]. All rights reserved.</p>