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<p>Entries in Humor (31)</p>
<p>Tuesday Aug 02 2011  Hot Tips To Help You Maximize Your Experience at the Borders Books Liquidation Sale</p>
<p>Tuesday, August 2, 2011 at 2:35PM</p>
<p>Now that every Borders bookstore in the country is closing and liquidating everything, it's time to go shopping! Here are some Do's and Don'ts to help you navigate their going-out-of-business sale.</p>
<p>DO: Hide everything you want to buy discreetly somewhere completely useless like the 2010 Wall Calendar section. Then wait 2 weeks for the 90% off sale.</p>
<p>DON'T: Take this opportunity to stock up on Robert Kiyosaki books. Here's a get rich quick secret: IT'S NOT HAPPENING!</p>
<p>DO: Begin thinking about a new store where you can spend your day sprawled across the floor, nursing a Gatorade, with spent LARA bar wrappers strewn around you. Kmart?</p>
<p>DO:Make a sad face and a tear drop motion with your finger when you get in a conversation with a Borders employee about their job uncertainty.</p>
<p>DON'T: Knock over bookshelves "just for funsies."</p>
<p>DON'T: Reload your Borders gift card.</p>
<p>DO:Think about what fixtures you need in your apartment. Chances are you'll go to Borders looking for a copy of the Hunger Games and come out with a barista counter.</p>
<p>DO: Sell everything you've just bought on Amazon for double.</p>
<p>The Apiary | 1 Comment | 74 References tagged Borders , Going out of business in Humor Tuesday May 03 2011  The OFFICIAL Osama Bin Laden is Dead Party Playlist</p>
<p>Tuesday, May 3, 2011 at 5:46PM Since a lot of people are wondering which songs will keep the dance floor thumping at an Osama Bin Laden is Dead Party, I put togethera YouTube playlist full of hot tracks. Sneak peak at the first one here:</p>
<p>* The OFFICIAL Osama Bin Laden is Dead Party Playlist</p>
<p>1. Oh No, Oh Yeah</p>
<p>2. Celebration</p>
<p>3. Finally</p>
<p>4. Na Na Hey Hey</p>
<p>5. The Hulk Hogan Theme</p>
<p>6. We Built This City</p>
<p>7. See You Later Alligator</p>
<p>8. Let the Bodies Hit the Floor</p>
<p>9. Party in the USA</p>
<p>10. We Are the Champions</p>
<p>11. Havin' a Party</p>
<p>12. Goodbye England's Rose</p>
<p>13. We Didn't Start the Fire</p>
<p>14. I Will Remember You</p>
<p>15. Fight For Your Right</p>
<p>16. You Give Love a Bad Name</p>
<p>17. I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight</p>
<p>18. God Bless the USA</p>
<p>19. Time of Your Life</p>
<p>20. End of the Road</p>
<p>Got any requests? I'll rotate them in.</p>
<p>The Apiary | Post a Comment tagged DJs , Osama Bin Laden in Humor Thursday Apr 28 2011  I'm Glad Not Kate Middleton</p>
<p>Thursday, April 28, 2011 at 2:54PM  Kate Middleton and her zany hats will live happily ever after... and so will I! By: Meghan O'Keefe</p>
<p>Every girl born in the 1980's was raised with one dream: to marry Prince William. Tomorrow, Kate Middleton gets to be his bride. My mom is very upset by this, but I'm dealing with it graciously. I've even made a list of reasons why I'm happy I'm not marrying a Prince:</p>
<p>I'd have to give up my career. When you become a Princess, your life is about being loved by school children and having your hair brushed by sassy gay men. I'm not the kind of person who can live a life of leisure like that. I love the fulfillment of being an administrative assistant to financial research analysts too much to give it up.</p>
<p>I'd have to be a style icon. If I became Princess of England, I could never walk out of my apartment hungover on noon on a Sunday in my Marvel comics t-shirt and a pair of see-through leggings and snow boots. People would judge me for letting my muffin top roll over my waistband. How could I live a life wearing beautiful designer clothes that enslaved my spirit?</p>
<p>I'd have to live in a castle. Castles are old, large and impersonal. There's nothing cozy about living in a luxurious castle. I vastly prefer living in my two-bedroom apartment in Queens. Some say home is where the heart is, but it's also where the Indian couple across the hall screams at each other every night at 2AM.</p>
<p>I'd have to produce an heir and a spare. Marrying a prince is romantic, but it's also about making babies. Unlike Ms. Middleton, I'm not keen on delivering a baby just yet. I have a biological clock and I intend to hear it tick. I want to push my uterus to the outer limits of its baby-making potential only to adopt a Chinese daughter who will later resent me for not being her biological mother. I am a modern woman and don't need a child's love to give my life purpose.</p>
<p>So, you see, it's just not in me to be the future Queen of England. It's too much fun to be a nobody. I can make mistakes, have silly friends, and do anything I want. Congratulations on your marriage, Kate, but I think I'll have more fun sleeping during your wedding than you will knowing that for the rest of your life everyone will be waiting for you to mess up. Good luck (and I hope you accidentally burp during the ceremony because that would be hilarious)!</p>
<p>The Apiary | Post a Comment | 8 References tagged The Royal Wedding in Humor Wednesday Feb 23 2011  5 Pictures of Beard Hairnets and 1 Solution for Better Facial Hair Management</p>
<p>Wednesday, February 23, 2011 at 3:45PM In Katy Perry's hit single Firework, she famously asks, "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind? Or one that's on the face of the guy making your churros at Costco?" I didn't know what Katy was talking about until yesterday when I went to buy churros at the Costco concession stand. The guy making them had a hairnet on his head... AND A HAIRNET ON HIS BEARD!</p>
<p>I stepped out of line to compose myself. I contemplated taking a picture of the dude but then I felt really sad and concerned about the world. The Costco executive who wrote this absurd hairnet policy into the employee handbook should be thrown out a window. Why must I order from a guy wearing a bag on his face? How can either of us take this transaction seriously? I'm not buying Intel Pentium chips, just a couple of snacks!</p>
<p>I mean, is beard hair really that big of a threat? Do beards even shed? Is my beard shedding? Oh my god, did I drop a facial hair in the dish I made for the potluck I'm going to tonight? Is it true the average human consumes over 70 facial hairs throughout their lifetime??</p>
<p>Anyways, I did some research and found 5 pictures of people wearing beard hairnets.</p>
<p>You're probably thinking what I was thinking: NONE OF THESE PREVENT NOSEHAIR OR EYEBROWS FROM FALLING INTO MY FOOD! I came up with an elegant solution just for that problem. Take a regular bag like this one I got from my mom's grocery bag collection and place it on your head. For optimal containment, be sure to tie it tightly around your neck so no hair can escape. If you're a teen, you can add sunglasses or a doo rag, so you can still rock a cool look while staying within whatever stupid food prep guidelines your employer has embarrassingly forced upon you.</p>
<p>The Apiary | 1 Comment | 21 References tagged beard management in Humor Wednesday Feb 09 2011  Why Are the Angry Birds Such Serious A-Holes?</p>
<p>Wednesday, February 9, 2011 at 1:55PM It seems the BIRDBRAINS behind the Angry Birds series have finally FLOWN OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST!</p>
<p>In previous versions of the popular mobile game about the struggle between birds and pigs, the pigs are generally depicted as henchmen up to no good. They hang out on innocuous structures of wood and ice, figuring out how they're going to steal more bird eggs. Naturally, those hogs had it coming.</p>
<p>With the release of the Valentines Day edition yesterday, Hogs and Kisses, the birds have become so angry, they're now gunning for pigs IN THEIR OWN HOMES, mercilessly slaughtering whole families of innocents. Someone needs to put these birds on the NO-FLY LIST because they're worse than terrorists. What is their problem?? Here are some examples of new Angry Birds levels that require war-crimes to complete.</p>
<p>Example #1: As Dad tends to his box of explosives, Mom enjoys a crisp mid-winter day on the back porch proudly watching her kids in the throes of their youth. "What do you guys want for dinner?" she asks. "Slop! Duhhh!" they chime back in unison, swinging on the playset their father built with his bare hands. They might all grow up to become astronauts, just like Mark Kelly. The future is bright, right? Little do they know, their lives are about to turn into that home inspection scene from Inglourious Basterds. Except no one escapes alive!</p>
<p>Example #2: Here's a young professional couple who are enjoying a pleasant dinner together. Maybe they just closed on the house, or one of them got a raise--either way, they're celebrating the life and the love that they share. Hope they have bloodbath insurance! It's safe to assume those mini-piglets under the table symbolize the girl pig's fecund womb. (Twinsies!!) Now I've heard of dissecting pig fetuses in high school biology class, but this is something else entirely. If these birds are intent on performing POULTRY-BIRTH ABORTIONS, count me out!!!</p>
<p>From L to R: A serious A-hole, some major jerk, a player hater, and a total dick.Seriously, what crawled up their asses and died??</p>
<p>The Apiary | Post a Comment | 1 Reference tagged Angry Birds in Humor Tuesday Jan 25 2011  Another 2011 State of the Union Drinking Game</p>
<p>Tuesday, January 25, 2011 at 2:48PM By: Danny Tuss</p>
<p>Everyone loves a good drinking game. Except for people struggling with alcohol addiction, I suppose. So here's The BEST 2011 State of the Union Drinking Game. (I added the word 'best' here for search engine optimization.)</p>
<p>1 drink of beer:</p>
<p>Mention of any of these words:</p>
<p>Jobs</p>
<p>Economy</p>
<p>Bipartisan</p>
<p>Anal</p>
<p>"Let me be clear"</p>
<p>2 drinks of beer:</p>
<p>Republican caucus bursts into applause</p>
<p>Republican caucus bursts into flames</p>
<p>Waterfall until the camera pans away:</p>
<p>Any shot of Michelle Obama's righteous arms</p>
<p>Whenever they show that photo of Elena Kagan playing softball</p>
<p>1 shot:</p>
<p>A Congressman is snoring loudly</p>
<p>If Obama accidentally calls John Boehner, Mr. Boner</p>
<p>Mentions of lessons learned from Tuscon shooting (we didn't learn anything!)</p>
<p>Finish the bottle:</p>
<p>Gabrielle Giffords rides in on a Jazzy Power Chair</p>
<p>Bo Obama poops anywhere other than a congressional wee-wee pad</p>
<p>Someone throws a shoe</p>
<p>The Apiary | Post a Comment tagged State of the Union drinking game in Humor Wednesday Dec 01 2010  Places Where Julian Assange Can Hide</p>
<p>Wednesday, December 1, 2010 at 9:42AM</p>
<p>Someone needs to alert the editors of People Magazine that Ryan Reynolds is OUT and noted international spy, Julian Assange is IN--he's the most wanted man in the world!Everybody is fuming that Julian published their precious documents. Now he's on the run from Johnny Law because everyone wants him in their prison. Is it that hard to find him though? Can't we get John Walsh on this case? Or get Julian's cell phone number fromThe Colbert Report producers? I kinda feel bad for the guy. Makes me think deeply about that Bob Dylan lyric: "How does it feel to be without a home??" I'm not trying to aid a global fugitive here but, JULIAN!, here are some places you can hide:</p>
<p>* In Osama Bin Laden's cave, behind his geo-thermal powered dialysis machine.</p>
<p>* On an episode ofRunning Wilde.</p>
<p>* Under a mattress. Or if he wants to be extra secure, he could check himself into a safety deposit box at his local Chase.</p>
<p>* Under Justin Bieber's bangs. (They're still pretty long!)</p>
<p>* In a Farmville status update. Or any Facebook status from my friend Denise Patterson.</p>
<p>* Somewhere along Southeast Asia'sFreedom Trail-esque hiking path for sexual predators. (See: Gary Glitter, Lou Pearlman, etc.)</p>
<p>* In the MTA's second set of accounting books. Am I right??</p>
<p>* Under an oversized sweater, like a pregnant teen's growing womb.</p>
<p>* Wherever my dad went when he went out for cigarettes and never came back. :(</p>
<p>Where else can Julian hide??</p>
<p>The Apiary | 2 Comments tagged Julian Assange , fugitives in Humor Friday Nov 19 2010  An Open Letter to People Magazine</p>
<p>Friday, November 19, 2010 at 4:06PM</p>
<p>By: Meghan O'Keefe</p>
<p>Dear People at People:</p>
<p>As a feral, sexually expressive young woman, I am dismayed by this year's pick for Sexiest Man Alive: Ryan Reynolds.</p>
<p>I realize your choice was made based upon box office popularity, public relations deals and Mr. Reynolds' willingness to give you tidbits about his personal life with Scarlett Johansson, all so he can sell us as the Green Lantern in eight months. However, sexiness is something that should be determined by one's loins. Here's a list of men that get me going, and who I think should be put into consideration for next year.</p>
<p>Click to read more ...</p>
<p>The Apiary | 3 Comments | 17 References tagged People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 2010 , rebuttals in General Interest , Humor Page 1 2 3 4 ... 4 Next 8 Entries » Copyright © 2011, [theapiary.org]. All rights reserved.</p>